Think Average

Recently, my friend Frankie posited the following question to me: would you rather tell only the truth or only lies for the rest of your life?

At first, the answer seemed readily apparent to me. Of course I would only want to tell the truth. In that scenario, I would at least be allowed to live my life with integrity and some dignity. I may not win many friends, but at least I wouldn’t be the snake-in-the-grass of my loved ones’ lives. Sure, I may not get to tell the socially lubricating white lies we all tell every day but that wouldn’t be so bad.

Right?

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I don’t generally like to just aggregate stuff but this is too good to pass up.

I’ve studied a few languages in the past few years (Arabic, French, Spanish) and I’ve always wondered what American English sounds like to non-native speakers hearing it for the first time. 

Well, question answered

As a guy, I am bombarded with a lot of cultural expectations about dating and romance. A lot of these little nuggets of wisdom are provided to me through movies. Some of them are pretty innocuous: I’m supposed to hold the door and pay for the meal. That’s cool with me. I can handle that.

However, where I really run into trouble is on the huge-feats-of-love front. You know, the department that encompasses running through the airport to proclaim my unrequited love or persisting in limbo state between life and death in order to protect my girlfriend from criminals. I’ve been fed plenty of examples, but those seem to be what women want most. Right?

So I try, on occasion, to prove my ardor with grand gestures. I’ve been told over and over again that it’s supposed to work but over time I’ve realized two things: I have a terrible singing voice and I am definitely not attractive enough to pull some of this stuff off.

We guys are being misled by films and pop culture to believe that these things would actually work! In reality, though, doing any of these things would leave us alone and with a restraining order. There is no way that some of the things we see in movies would ever get a positive reaction from any woman in real life.

I spent way too much time thinking about it and I compiled a short list of things that I would never get away with.

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These are my fall fashion selections for 2011

1.       The every-day gray hoodie (dark enough that it can easily hide inevitable stains)

2.       The pair of jeans that still smell OK after a few days’ use

3.       The jacket I think makes me look stylish

4.       Solid color t-shirts (this is not season dependant)

5.       Sneakers which will eventually get covered with dirt and grime.

6.       After a while, boots.

7.       Medium-length greasy hair (accessorize with a beanie)

8.       A scarf for five seconds before I decide I look stupid

9.       Sweatpants (for the inevitable January-February dry spell; or as a cause of it)

10.   Uncomfortable sweater for family gatherings   

Every year a new crop of actions movies hits theaters around the country and we are all inundated with unbelievable levels of epic badassery from hero-hopefuls intent on joining the ranks of Ethan Hunt, John McClane, and Jason Bourne.

I usually love these movies but recently they’ve been giving me pause to think. I’ve realized that there are so many badass things that I will never be able to do. I will never be as cool as any action hero.

I’m honestly struggling to be as cool as Frodo Baggins. I’ve never taken a hike that was that long.

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